“Happier” este genul de carte care ar trebui sa fie facuta lectura obligatorie in scoala, in loc de basina aia de manual de Educatie Civica, fata de care, singurul interes pe care-l manifestam cand eram in clasa a 5-a, consta in a desena pozele din el. “Happier” n-are poze. Are, in schimb, forta de a deslusi ce reprezinta fericirea pentru oameni, care sunt cateva din miturile neadevarate ale societatii despre fericire, si cum putem face ceva pentru a ne schimba fundamental modul de a ne privi viata, de a ne privi pe noi insine si de a aduce schimbarea.
“Happier” nu e o carte de self-help, nu ofera “10 retete complete de a fi fericit azi”, nu ofera pilule magice si schimbari fara efort. Pentru ca schimbarile fara efort, de cele mai multe ori, dau rezultate doar pentru cateva zile, sunt o spoiala a unor probleme profunde sau a unei perspective gresite. Tal Ben-Shahar intelege ca fericirea este un lucru subiectiv, care depinde de la persoana la persoana si de la cultura la cultura. Cu toate astea, insa, oamenii ca specie au o psihologie comuna, moduri de a functiona care sunt descifrabile, identificabile din punct de vedere empiric. Iar Ben-Shahar, profesor de psihologie pozitiva la Universitatea Harvard, are stiinta de partea lui, si, in afara de stiinta, mentori ca Nathaniel Branden, Martin Seligman sau Marva Collins.
Cateva din ideile de baza din cartea asta:
1. Fericirea este un proces infinit nu un stagiu, nu un punct definibil, nu o destinatie la care sa se poata ajunge. Fericirea este o resursa nelimitata.
2. Vi s-a intamplat sa lucrati mult timp la un proiect care sa va aduca doar sictir si nesatisfactie, iar in final, desi v-ati imaginat ca veti fi fericiti, va dati seama ca realizarea nu reprezinta nimic pentru voi, de fapt?
Una din greselile frecvente pe care le fac oamenii este mentalitatea de “rat-racer”, care sacrifica lucruri care le ofera placere si satisfactie in prezent, pentru lucruri neplacute, dar cu o satisfactie imaginata in viitor. Sacrificarea placerii momentului pentru recompensa viitorului duce, in final, la nefericire, iar rasplata din viitor este doar confundata cu fericirea.
3. Vi s-a intamplat sa va dedicati exclusiv placerii prezentului, negand perspectiva viitorului, si, cu toate astea viata sa vi se para goala si lipsita de sens?
O alta greseala frecventa a oamenilor este mentalitate hedonistului, polul opus al “rat-racer”-ului. Hedonistul face greseala de a considera ca viata este un sir neintrerupt de placere, si isi priveaza, astfel, viata de insemnatate, de un scop mai inalt decat satisfacerea dorintei din momentul asta.
4. Asteptarea ca viata sa fie un sir neintrerupt de moment fericite, care sa contina si insemnatate si emotii pozitive este falsa si, pe termen lung, nu duce decat la nefericire.
5. Emotiile, sentimentele noastre sunt cele care stau la baza tututor actiunilor noastre. Sunt atat un scop, cat si un mijloc.
6. A avea scopuri si chiar a le atinge nu garanteaza fericirea sau ducerea unei vietii care sa insemne ceva. Ne putem stabili scopuri de a obtine rezultate materiale sau validare din partea altora, si cu toate astea sa simtim ca ducem o existenta in deriva. Scopurile noastre trebuie sa fie generate de noi, nu de asteptarile si standardele societatii.
7. A fi idealist inseamna, de fapt, a fi realist, intrucat felul in care suntem noi alcatuiti ne cere sa credem in idealuri, ne provoaca sa cautam un sens al propriei noastre vieti pentru a putea duce o existenta fericita.
8. La fel cum a manca felul nostru de mancare favorit in fiecare zi ne face sa-l uram la un moment dat, capacitatea noastra de a ne bucura de o anumita actiune pe care o facem are limitele sale.
9. Nu ne acordam suficient timp pentru a actiona. Doar reactionam la mediu. Ar trebui sa ne cream realitatea, nu doar sa fim marionetele ei.
10. Nu exista dragoste neconditionata.
Multe din ideile cartii par, la prima vedere, de bun simt. Dar, parafrazandu-l pe Voltaire, “Common sense is not so common.” Lucru care se remarca mai ales in capitolul despre intimitate si relatii. Singura problema a carti este ca, pe final, autorul incepe sa repete aceleasi idei sub formulari diferite, ceea ce poate deveni plictisitor. Cu toate astea, acest mic defect poate fi trecut cu vederea, considerand informatia de valoare inestimabila care se afla in cartea asta.
Nota: 10/10 si un foarte proaspat loc I in topul cartilor citite de mine
In final, cateva citate:
“Time is a zero-sum game, a limited resource. Life is too short to do only what we have to do; it is barely long enough to do what we want to do.”
“The rat racer suffers from the “arrival fallacy”—the false belief that reaching a valued destination can sustain happiness. Confusing relief with happiness, he continues to chase after his goals, as though simply attaining them will be enough to make him happy.”
“I define happiness as the overall experience of pleasure and meaning. Pleasure is about the experience of positive emotions in the here and now, about present benefit; meaning comes from having a sense of purpose, from the future benefit of our actions.”
“To be happy, we have to feel that, on the whole, whatever sorrows, trials, and tribulations we may encounter, we still experience the joy of being alive.”
“Goals communicate, to ourselves and to others, the belief that we are capable of overcoming obstacles.”
“Having goals or even reaching them does not guarantee that we are leading a purposeful existence. We could set ourselves the goal of scoring top grades in college or owning a large house, yet still feel empty. To live a meaningful life, we must have a self-generated purpose that possesses personal significance rather than one that is dictated by society’s standards and expectations.”
“It is easy to see why an unhappy person might take drugs if they provide him with a temporary escape from the reality of his joyless life or why someone might turn to a charismatic preacher who offers eternal happiness.”
“Often, however, we are pulled away from the life that would make us happier by internal and external forces that we have some control over—such as our habits, our fears, or other people’s expectations. Repeat this exercise regularly. Change, especially of deeply ingrained habits and patterns, does not happen overnight. Most important, once again, is to ritualize your activities.”
“In other words, I am no altruist. The ultimate reason that I do anything—whether it is spending time with my friends or doing work for charity—is that it makes me happy.”
“What does it mean to be wanted or loved for „who we really are”? To put it another way, what are we talking about when we talk about unconditional love, a phrase we throw around in the bedroom, the children’s room, the classroom? Do we mean that we want someone to love us for no reason? To love us no matter what? Are we saying that love needs no justification?”
“Psychologist Elaine Hatfield, who studies relationships, shows that people do not like being “overpaid” or “underpaid” in a relationship. People feel more content, and relationships are more likely to prosper, when both partners see the relationship as equitable.”
“To cultivate genuine intimacy the focus in a relationship must shift from the desire to be validated—seeking approval and praise—to the desire to be known.”
“The problem is that movies end where love begins. It’s the living happily ever after that poses the greatest challenge; it’s after the sun sets that difficulties often rise.”
“To realize, to make real, life’s potential for the ultimate currency, we must first accept that “this is it”—that all there is to life is the day-to-day, the ordinary, the details of the mosaic. We are living a happy life when we derive pleasure and meaning while spending time with our loved ones, or learning something new, or engaging in a project at work. The more our days are filled with these experiences, the happier we become. This is all there is to it.”
